Saturday, June 2, 2012

Current mood: Slightly Despondent


It’s another long weekend in my little corner of the world. I’ve actually been looking forward to it for quite a while, because for once, I’m not insanely busy, but I get the chance to just mooch around at home, reading and catching up on things that have been left undone of late. However, now that it’s here, this weekend is starting to look a little bit lonely. Before you give out too much sympathy, allow me to explain that my loneliness is entirely my own fault, because I have refused several invitations from friends, in anticipation of a joyous weekend of solitude. 

The most recent was an invitation to the movies tonight. The girls from church are going to see ‘What to expect when you’re expecting’. The girl who invited me included a joke in the text message (at least, I’m hoping it was a joke) about the movie being a good lesson for our future someday. (WARNING: Chip-on-shoulder-rant approaching!) Even though I’m sure that statement was made in jest, it made me a little angry. Who’s to say that I’m ever going to marry and/or have children? God hasn’t revealed that particular part of his plan to me yet, and I sure don’t want anybody else making assumptions about my future matrimony. Also, as one of the ‘old young people’ at church, I was probably among the oldest of the girls this invitation was sent to. I’m not entirely sure it’s in good taste to joke about having babies with 17-year-old girls who haven’t left school, haven’t left home and haven’t seen anything of the world outside this tiny little town. I feel that the (slightly) older women around should be encouraging them to pursue their education, explore the world, meet people of interesting and diverse viewpoints, strengthen their faith and grow as people so that they can be a blessing to all the people around, not just a good wife and mother. And as a teacher, I really don’t want to spend the evening with girls who attend the school where I teach. To cut a long story short – no movie tonight.

My housemate (let’s call her Hannah) has a man-friend in town this weekend. I don’t really know how to define their relationship yet, but I’ve never had the chance to apply the term ‘flirtationship’, so we’ll use that for now. He’s been hanging around here a bit, which has set me on edge (in the least derogatory way possible.) It’s just a little bit awkward having somebody who is essentially a complete stranger to me hanging around in my house. I’m never sure whether to try to be sociable or give Hannah and her guy-date-thingy some space.  I haven’t exactly been feeling jealous of Hannah, because I’m genuinely happy for her and her guy-date-thingy, but I have been feeling like a third wheel, which is never entirely comfortable. 

To solve that problem, I’ve been delving into a book – Jane Eyre. (Side note: I can’t believe I haven’t read it before! I watched the movie years ago, so I vaguely remember the rough outline of the story, but the book’s amazing!) However, I’m falling in love with yet another fictional man, this time Mr Rochester. That’s all well and good while I’m lost in the pages of the book, but when I’m not reading, I just get a bit sad that he doesn’t exist in real life. Mr Rochester has now joined the list of fictional men that have spoiled real-life romance for me, which also includes the Beast (from Beauty and the Beast), Rhett Butler (from Gone with the Wind), Jake Henry (from Hustle), Severus Snape (from Harry Potter) and the guy who sings Some Enchanted Evening in South Pacific. 

However, during a break from reading about Mr Rochester this afternoon, I suddenly had this song stuck in my head:


It’s a setting of part of Psalm 42. Although the composer, Herbert Howells, was an agnostic, I still feel God speaking to me through this music. The soprano line at the end on the words ‘When shall I come (to appear before the presence of God)?’ conveys such longing. It really reminded me that although I’m surrounded by signs of earthly romance, I need to pursue a relationship with the only perfect man, who has already demonstrated his love for me by dying for me. Because although I am sometimes persuaded otherwise, this is all I truly need. 

And even fictional men have their weaknesses.