It’s another long weekend in my little corner of the world.
I’ve actually been looking forward to it for quite a while, because for once, I’m
not insanely busy, but I get the chance to just mooch around at home, reading
and catching up on things that have been left undone of late. However, now that
it’s here, this weekend is starting to look a little bit lonely. Before you
give out too much sympathy, allow me to explain that my loneliness is entirely
my own fault, because I have refused several invitations from friends, in
anticipation of a joyous weekend of solitude.
The most recent was an invitation to the movies tonight. The
girls from church are going to see ‘What to expect when you’re expecting’. The
girl who invited me included a joke in the text message (at least, I’m hoping
it was a joke) about the movie being a good lesson for our future someday. (WARNING:
Chip-on-shoulder-rant approaching!) Even though I’m sure that statement was
made in jest, it made me a little angry. Who’s to say that I’m ever going to
marry and/or have children? God hasn’t revealed that particular part of his plan
to me yet, and I sure don’t want anybody else making assumptions about my future
matrimony. Also, as one of the ‘old young people’ at church, I was probably
among the oldest of the girls this invitation was sent to. I’m not entirely
sure it’s in good taste to joke about having babies with 17-year-old girls who
haven’t left school, haven’t left home and haven’t seen anything of the world
outside this tiny little town. I feel that the (slightly) older women around
should be encouraging them to pursue their education, explore the world, meet
people of interesting and diverse viewpoints, strengthen their faith and grow
as people so that they can be a blessing to all the people around, not just a
good wife and mother. And as a teacher, I really don’t want to spend the
evening with girls who attend the school where I teach. To cut a long story
short – no movie tonight.
My housemate (let’s call her Hannah) has a man-friend in
town this weekend. I don’t really know how to define their relationship yet,
but I’ve never had the chance to apply the term ‘flirtationship’, so we’ll use
that for now. He’s been hanging around here a bit, which has set me on edge (in
the least derogatory way possible.) It’s just a little bit awkward having
somebody who is essentially a complete stranger to me hanging around in my
house. I’m never sure whether to try to be sociable or give Hannah and her
guy-date-thingy some space. I haven’t exactly
been feeling jealous of Hannah, because I’m genuinely happy for her and her guy-date-thingy,
but I have been feeling like a third wheel, which is never entirely
comfortable.
To solve that problem, I’ve been delving into a book – Jane Eyre.
(Side note: I can’t believe I haven’t read it before! I watched the movie years
ago, so I vaguely remember the rough outline of the story, but the book’s
amazing!) However, I’m falling in love with yet another fictional man, this
time Mr Rochester. That’s all well and good while I’m lost in the pages of the
book, but when I’m not reading, I just get a bit sad that he doesn’t exist in
real life. Mr Rochester has now joined the list of fictional men that have spoiled
real-life romance for me, which also includes the Beast (from Beauty and the
Beast), Rhett Butler (from Gone with the Wind), Jake Henry (from Hustle), Severus
Snape (from Harry Potter) and the guy who sings Some Enchanted Evening in South
Pacific.
However, during a break from reading about Mr Rochester this
afternoon, I suddenly had this song stuck in my head:
It’s a setting of part of Psalm 42. Although the composer, Herbert
Howells, was an agnostic, I still feel God speaking to me through this music. The
soprano line at the end on the words ‘When shall I come (to appear before the
presence of God)?’ conveys such longing. It really reminded me that although I’m
surrounded by signs of earthly romance, I need to pursue a relationship with
the only perfect man, who has already demonstrated his love for me by dying for
me. Because although I am sometimes persuaded otherwise, this is all I truly need.
And even fictional men have their weaknesses.
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